Dear Trump, Clinton, Johnson, or Stein

First of all, I don’t have anything against any of you--- well, maybe Trump, but whatever happens, right? When any one of you do get elected on November 8, just ignore everybody else and try to get situated. None of you guys can say that you have a lot of haters, but that just mean you're popping. (All of y’all are old, but that basically means you think you're all that.) 

Back to what I was saying, November 8, you move in. Go ahead, pick your drapes, carpets, furniture--- shoot, even pick the presidential pet. By the way, make sure it’s not a dog. Make it, like, an armadillo or even lion. A lion would be freaking be amazing! Imagine that, by the time, your term is over you would have a full grown lion. Someone at rally would say, “You suck,” then you could have a secret code word and the lion roars like a beast that would shut them up, I promise. 

Anyway, after you settle in, try to do something that will get you some good publicity, because as long as you do something within the first months, anybody who heard about it will love you the rest of the term. (Politicians only care about us in the beginning.) I say that because nobody watches political news like that anymore so you would be good for a while, unless you do something stupid, like have a relationship with your secretary (shade intended). 

Look at this way, you’re basically in a twenty-first century castle with the best security system known to man, so enjoy your four years. But please, I cannot stress this enough do not do any of the following:

• Do not drop the N-bomb ever, not in private (because you’re probably bugged) or public, especially because none of you guys are black.

• Do not try to act “urban” on camera or around black people, because you’re only embarrassing yourself.

• Do not do anything illegal because I promise you, it’s not worth. What if one of y'all was even wanted in one of the Dakotas or something?

• Last one, please for the love of God, do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- use any drugs during these next four years. That screams, Terrible idea!

Other than that good luck to whoever it will be. If you get elected it probably meant to be or something, I do not care for real.

Sincerely, 

Derrick